


Confession

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: But Not Quite There, Confession, Love, M/M, Malec, Post 3a, Post 3x10, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Sad, Tears, drunk magnus, nearing smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 02:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17819717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Magnus has a little too much to drink, and ends up spilling his heart to Alec.





	Confession

                Alec heard the jazz music playing before he even set foot inside the loft. The door had been unlocked, and though Alec would barely have given it a second thought a week ago, it made him do a doubletake now, stop, and make sure he turned the key until he heard the lock click.

                “My beautiful Alexander!” Magnus called from the living room, lying lavishly on the couch. His head rested against a cushion. He wore a black, silk robe and pants, embedded with silver patterns along the sides, his chest exposed. He waved Alec over with a jeweled hand, the other holding a crystal glass with some kind of drink.

                “Hey, I tried calling you,” Alec said, unable to help but glance at the glass. He crouched down and pecked Magnus’s lips, and resisted the urge to scrunch his nose. _He smells like he’s been bathing in alcohol._

                Magnus nodded lazily, then, with a gasp, his eyes widened. “You’re early!” he said as if he’d just realized. “I wasn’t expecting you back for hours!”

                “Yeah, well, you weren’t picking up your phone,” Alec said, brushing his thumb against his boyfriend’s cheek, lightly touching his lips. He wondered if this was what Magnus did while Alec was gone at work. He repressed a shudder, swallowed the lump in his throat, and took Magnus’s hand, careful to avoid his tilting glass.

                “I was worried,” he said.

                “Were you?” Magnus hummed, his smile widening. “I’m honored.”

                He moved to take another sip of his drink— _vodka_ , Alec thought—and was stopped.

                “Let me just take that,” Alec said delicately, plucking the glass from Magnus’s fingers and setting it on the coffee table behind him. He took his boyfriend’s face in his hands and asked, trying to keep his voice light. “How much did you drink, huh?”

                Magnus laughed, as if he found Alec’s concern very funny. “Quite a bit. I think I exceeded even my own expectations this time.”

                Alec’s jaw clenched, and he plastered whatever smile he could, hoping it would be enough to keep Magnus in a cheery mood. Though, he doubted there was much that could upset Magnus right now.

                “Okay, uh,” he cursed at the tremble in his voice. _Damn it, what was wrong with him? Why did it feel like he was going to cry? Magnus was just drunk; he was always drinking. He was fine._ “Why don’t you go to sleep, and then, when you’re sober, we can go grab a bite together?”

                But Magnus didn’t seem to hear him. He was staring intently at Alec, his eyes searching his face. His smile then softened, and he said, “Kiss me.”

                And Magnus’s eyes sparkled as if they filled with tears, but Alec knew he was just seeing things. If Magnus was miserable enough to cry, he would’ve noticed. He would’ve been here a lot sooner.

                Still, Alec couldn’t help but comply—he never did have much control around Magnus—and he leaned down from where he was kneeling on the ground, capturing Magnus’s lips in his. He’d meant it to be a short kiss, but Magnus gasped, as if having not expected Alec to actually kiss him, and brought his hand around the back of Alec’s head, deepening it.

                Magnus’s fingers tangled in his hair, scratching his head, and Alec couldn’t help the moan that had escaped his lips, swallowed immediately by Magnus. Even the taste of alcohol on his tongue wasn’t enough to push Alec away now, his hands slipping under Magnus’s robe and coming around his waist.

                They separated with a delicious wet sound, and Alec, through the fog collecting in his mind, tried to focus his thoughts, though it was difficult with his heart racing in his chest, and Magnus’s muscles pliant to his touch.

                “W-We,” he cleared his throat, “we shouldn’t, y-you’re…”

                “Drunk or sober,” Magnus whispered, tugging on Alec’s belt, bringing his body closer, “you know I want you.”

                Alec swallowed, his breathing coming out shallower, faster, and he barely got a chance to nod before his head was pulled back down, and his lips crashed into Magnus’s. They spent what felt like an eternity devouring each other’s mouths, Alec hovering over Magnus on the couch, before Alec’s shirt was pulled over his head.

                He found it impossible to believe Magnus had lost his magic, especially since every touch, every kiss, every word still felt as magical as Magnus’s blue flame. Alec still felt as if his skin tingled wherever Magnus’s fingers touched it, and he was convinced there was no Mundane power to make his heart thrash the way Magnus managed it.

                It was only when Magnus’s fingers dug past Alec’s belt buckle, just barely grazing his cock, that Alec opened his eyes. Magnus’s were half-lidded, but the eyes that stared back at Alec were empty, devoid of any emotion. It was as if Magnus couldn’t even see him, didn’t even know where he was, and Alec was suddenly yanked out of his haze.

                He sat up with a gasp, his hands holding Magnus’s wrists. No, this was wrong. Magnus’s thoughts were somewhere else, not with Alec. It was wrong, and Alec couldn’t go through with it.

                He swallowed, pulling himself off Magnus, and retrieved his shirt where it lay rumpled on the floor.

                Magnus didn’t look particularly hurt or distressed. He was staring at the ceiling, the only indicator that they’d been very near sleeping together his rapidly rising and falling chest.

                He must’ve noticed Alec staring because he glanced over. His lips broke into a wide grin, as if he was about to laugh, and with a teasing voice, asked, “Are you okay, Alexander?”

                Alec nodded slowly, and Magnus laughed. “You can’t frighten me like that, you know. I worry about my beautiful Shadowhunter too much to be frightened like that.”

                He kneeled at Magnus’s side, kissing his temple. “I’m sorry.”

                Magnus’s smile looked lazy now, as if he was about to fall asleep. He pillowed his head on his arms, the robe slipping over his waist, and exposing his entire torso and shoulder.

                “Alec,” Magnus said in a childish voice.

                “Yeah?”

                “I’m mad at you.”

                “Are you?” Alec felt a heavy weight in his chest. He clung to Magnus’s wrist to keep himself upright. He should never have gone to the Institute today. He should’ve stayed here. “Why?”

                Magnus laughed, his eyes fluttering shut. “You know why.”

                _Yes_ , Alec thought. _I do._

                “Alec,” Magnus said again.

                “Yes, Magnus?”

                “I love you.”

                Alec leaned forward and kissed his shoulder. He cleared his throat as he moved back. “I love you, too.”

                “Alec.”

                “Hm?”

                There was a pause, then, “I saw my father.”

                Magnus was still smiling, his eyes open only halfway, though now Alec could identify that strange look he’d been unable to earlier; sorrow.

                “I know.”

                “I saw him,” Magnus said with a sad chuckle, and Alec was shocked to see a tear fall down the bridge of his nose. “He’s frightening, Alexander. You have no idea.”

                Alec took his hand, his hold tightening. He wondered when and if Magnus would ever talk to him about this. Now, Magnus had barely said a word, and he felt himself ready to shatter at the pain in his boyfriend’s voice. He wondered if Magnus could feel the tremble in his fingers. If he did, he didn’t say anything.

                “Why?” Magnus said, his voice cracking, his smile smaller. “Why’d you do it, Alec?”

                Alec flinched, his hand instinctively tightening. _I expected this, too._ “I’m sorry,” was all he could say. “I didn’t know he’d… I didn’t think he’d take your magic, if I had—”

                “That’s not what I mean,” Magnus said quietly, shaking his head, all humor gone. “You knew how terrified I was. You knew I didn’t want to go, so… why’d you let me go alone?”

                He stared, his eyes wide. It was as if Magnus had stabbed him.

                “I couldn’t ask it of you,” Magnus said. “I could never have done that to you, but I thought… I hoped you would offer. Even if I said no, I wanted you to insist. I wanted you to refuse to let me go by myself. Because you would never have let me face him by myself.”

                Magnus sniffed. “But you…” another tear fell, “you picked Jace. You had to be there for Jace. But I needed you, too, Alec. Why couldn’t, that once, why couldn’t you just be there for _me_?”

                Alec briefly wondered if Magnus would’ve dared say these things when he was sober, and wondered how drunk Magnus must’ve been –how _long_ he had to have been drinking—to be this honest now. His grip on Magnus’s wrist turned unbearably tight, his knuckles gone white as he moved closer.

                Magnus chuckled tiredly, burying half his face in the cushion. “I know, I’m being silly.” He looked up at Alec, and Alec thought he would’ve preferred emptiness to this severe misery. “I’m not your priority, Alec, I know I’m not. I know I’ll never be. Just… now that I’ve lost my magic, and there’s really nothing I can do for you… just don’t leave, okay?”

                Magnus’s fingers curled softly around Alec’s death grip, his _okay_ just as gentle as it had been that day Maryse had come over for dinner, and he’d reassured Alec that he wasn’t going to leave him. That he would be there, at his side, no matter what.

                “Stay with me, Alec,” Magnus said, and despite the weariness in his voice, there was a fear in it, too. His eyes closed as he slowly drifted off to sleep, but not before muttering, “It’s all I’ve ever wanted of you.”

                And he fell asleep, his breathing turned slow and deep, his body limp. Alec had tried to cover Magnus with a blanket, but as soon as he moved to stand, his knees gave out, and he fell against the couch, releasing the breath he hadn’t known he was holding, his face no more than an inch from Magnus’s. He was vaguely aware of tears rolling down his cheeks, but he didn’t wipe them away with his sleeve.

                _You flirt, you laugh, but at the end of the day, what do you risk?_

                His body trembled.

                _Well then, what do you want from me?!_

The idea that this was what Magnus did and thought of when he was gone had Alec’s heart crawling into his throat. He was going to be sick.

                _Let’s not be overdramatic._

                Alec placed his head against Magnus’s chest, one hand on Magnus’s, the other coming around his waist, pulling him in until all Alec could _breathe_ was Magnus.

                _Just_ us _, okay?_

_We’re doing this, but you’re not going alone._

                _Would you prefer I act as terrified as I feel right now?_

                Alec screamed through grit teeth, his face red, his hold on Magnus shaking, but Magnus wouldn’t wake. He lay there, as if dead, and Alec knew that was his fault, too.

                _Why wouldn’t I? Look what I have waiting for me._

                Alec sobbed into Magnus’s chest. In the morning, Magnus would probably forget all of this, but Alec was cursed with knowing exactly the kind of thoughts that had been haunting his boyfriend.

                He thought Alec didn’t care about him as much as he did everybody else. He thought Alec hadn’t thought of him when he’d left for Edom. He thought Alec would leave him. As if Alec would, as if he _ever could_.

                After what felt like an hour, Alec’s eyes had dried, and he was left sitting stiff and uncomfortable, his hair stuck to his forehead with sweat where he’d been resting it against Magnus’s chest, listening to his heartbeat as he slept. It used to be slower than an average heartbeat. Now, it beat at the same speed as Alec’s. Alec didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.

**Author's Note:**

> I made myself sad. I hope I managed to do the same to you.  
> No, wait, that didn't come out right...


End file.
